toes in the water, ass in the sand...

Not a worry in the world, cold beer in my hand, life is good today…

If ever there was a song that fit a trip perfectly, it would be the Zac Brown Band’s “Toes” and Spring Break 2010. There were countless times when I was literally doing exactly what the song describes. And I would give anything to go back right now.

The more stressful life gets (ie finals week and lots of work projects) the more I find myself reminiscing and dreaming of the island. Which, aside from being counterproductive, just makes me miss it more. I was surprised at how much like “home” it felt- I’m not kidding when I say that if I could figure out a warm shower, I’d live there forever. Apparently there are PeaceCorps people who get placed there, which seems like a dream, not reality. I would join the Corps in a heartbeat if I was guaranteed that placement (although I assume Spanish language fluency would come in handy.)

I came home really excited about being a nurse- looking forward to the “job hunt”… until I realized just how hard it’s going to be to land that first job. Especially before I pass boards and with three weddings in Oregon in July/August. Now I’m discouraged and looking at ways to put off joining the real world (which have included auditioning for “The Real World”) People seem eager to talk to me about a few different opportunities, so I’m forced to deal with the fact that graduation is less than 8 weeks away.

Which I suppose means I should stop day dreaming…

I will admit..

.. that I am a total sucker for reality shows, and almost anything MTV has to offer in that category (aside from Jersey Shore, which I absolutely refuse to watch.) I watched The Real World before it was cool, and long before it was the complete joke it is today. (and probably before any normal parent allows his/her child to.) After enjoying 16 and Pregnant, I was excited to see that the cameras would be following four storylines further, and Teen Mom was born. Or perhaps birthed is a better term.

Farrah I can't stand, because she was obnoxious before she had a kid, and now that Sophia is around, she still refuses to give up her "teenage" status. Amber and Gary provide a good example of how having a baby changes a relationship, and I was glad to see that Amber finally stopped acting like a victim. Catelynn chose adoption which by far is the hardest choice of all, and I'm glad MTV chose to show how even that can make a big difference in your life.

By far, though, my favorite is Maci. First of all, Bentley is the cutest child in the world (would even give little Clara a run for her money) and it seems like Maci is the only one who has realized that "mother" is her primary role now. And she loves her baby to death. She has the most family support, and seems to be the least stressed about raising her baby. The problem for her, is her DB of a baby daddy- Ryan, who is pretty much the scum of the earth. Thankfully she has finally realized that no matter how much she wants him to be a good dad, he won't really be, and has decided to give up trying to make their relationship work.

All of this to say, that I'm getting my hair cut eventually, and I'm thinking it might look like Maci's.

Study Abroad Envy

So I could be studying in Australia:

China:

France:

Or South Africa


But instead, I'm here:


Don't get me wrong, I love Valpo, but it's no Paris. Hands down my biggest regret about college (and perhaps the only one worth anything) is that I didn't take the time to study abroad.

I Survived

Recently my parents asked me if I wanted to include anything personal at the bottom of my graduation announcements. I’m sure the company was implying something like “thanks so much to everyone who has helped me get this far” and all that jazz, but all I could really think to write was “I survived” which my mother didn’t find nearly as amusing as I did.

At the end of the day, and more realistically the semester, that really is my goal- survival. To make it one more semester without being close to academic probation. This isn’t because I’m lazy, even though I am. It’s not because I don’t like my classes. It’s simply because nursing school is HARD. There is a lot of information being crammed into my head on a daily basis, and I mostly pray and spend a lot of time studying in hopes that the important parts will stick. Apparently enough of it has.

For instance, last night I dreamt that my 95 year old grandmother experienced a textbook stroke right in front of my eyes. She started acting funny and immediately my mind went “Face, Arm, Speech, Time… TIME! WHAT TIME IS IT?” That’s the acronym for strokes- FAST. It’s important to note the time because that can make life or death difference in treatment options. As she was experiencing this stroke, she fell and hit her head, breaking her skull (ok, ok, so I have some strange dreams- I promise this is no reflection of how I feel about my grandmother). Miraculously she was still okay, (to which I thought, She’s 95! How has she survived this!) and while her skull was fractured, I knew it wasn’t the occipital bone. I can remember saying “at least it’s not the occipital, she’s got a great occipital.” I called 911 and can remember chewing out the EMTs because it took them so long to arrive, telling them that I would sue if we discovered she was suffering from a cerebral hemorrhage, because time is of the essence.

Clearly, I’m learning some of this info. I also need to stop having such vivid dreams.

bloggity blog blog

Here's the deal. I wish I was more creative at blogging. I love reading blogs. I read blogs from people I'm related to, people I miss, people I've never even met. But, I suck at blogging. I know that. Often, I really don't think I have anything interesting to say, and if I'm not interested, I'm sure other people won't be either. I also read a lot of REALLY GREAT blogs, which makes me feel like my blogs should be great too. I'm a good writer, blogging should come naturally, right?

wrong.

Rarely do I use the creative side of my brain. Throughout college, I've tried to take at least one class a semester that kept me reading and writing, but even so, I fear I've lost the ability to articulate through words what I'm thinking in a way that other people can understand, and find interesting. I've noticed over the years that my vocabulary has suffered since I've stopped reading literature. There are many times that I know there is a word I'm looking for, but have no idea what it is. At one point, I knew it, now- gone. Thank God I don't have to take the GRE- that would be ugly.

So just start reading again, Vickie, that's the simple solution. I wish with all of my heart that I had the time and brainpower to be able to read anything other than Perez. On Friday, I had lunch with the Board of Directors. The President of the VU Guild asked me what I do for fun on campus... and I didn't have an answer. It's not that I'm NOT having fun, or that I don't enjoy life, I just hardly ever do anything just because it sounds fun. I honestly don't have the time. This makes me all the more grateful that I can make pretty much anything fun- even office hours. I laugh more on Fridays with elle dub, Nikki and Micah than I do most other days, and I'm so glad I can count on that. I'm over-committed and I realize that. Maybe after this year, my mentality will no longer be "oh, I CAN do that, so why wouldn't I?" and I'm really hoping that I stop trying to be responsible for everything. Being a leader is great and all, but so incredibly draining.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to working full time. Who would have thought that a 40-hour work week would give me more free time?

And I guess that's an attempt an a blog post. Maybe someone will find it interesting.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for...

-the many, many people in my life who help block out the stress and worry of the real world.
-Friday office hours in Kretzmann with Elle Dub and Nikki. (and Micah, who will do anything I ask without complaining, and otherwise keeps us entertained and sane)
-the ability to write a killer paper the night before it's due, knowing that it's probably better than most of my classmates.
-friends who give me shit and don't let me forget how ridiculous I can be.
-a boy who will tell his friends he's busy when I've had a rough week so that we can eat cheese, watch movies and doesn't make fun of me for going to bed early.
-my competitive nature.
-people who care about my father and bring joy to his life daily.
-a church family who welcomes my mom with open arms for any and all holidays.
- the water in all places except Valpo that makes my hair really soft.
-Mat Kearney who reminds me of the greatness of life in Portland
-feeling love from multiple people in every time zone.
-a church family of my own, who keep me accountable and remind me how great fellowship can be.
-one semester and three weeks left in my educational career.
-that spending time with other people's families reminds me that every family is a little strange.
-siblings who remind me that I can always be a better version of myself.
-GLEE

I am terrified of the next eight months.

I don’t know if you’ve met me, but I’m a type A planner- I like to know the details and the risks and rewards of everything before I make decisions. In those ways, I am my father’s daughter. For example, it is November, and I’m already stressing out about finding a job next year. So much is up in the air and I want in cemented down. Now. I want to be able to say “oh yeah, I’ll be moving to _______ to start my job at ____________ hospital on June ______________. They’re paying for my NCLEX review and I got a signing bonus, so I already have an apartment lined up.” I want to be able to know that I can pay my bills and won’t be overwhelmed with a new job, and that I’ll be able to afford flying back to Oregon for weddings to celebrate with my friends and all of that. I want to know that I’ll be working for a hospital that believes in training new nurses to give the best patient care possible, and that in a few years, they’ll be willing to pay for me to go back to school to get my masters.

I want to feel confident that the next semester won’t eat me alive, and I won’t get annihilated by the exit exam. (I would also enjoy being able to register for next semester at some point.) I want to be reaffirmed that I do know what I’m doing and that I’ll be a really good nurse, that I picked the right profession.

But, none of this is the case. I AM terrified, simply because I won’t stop and let go. I say that it’s all in God’s hands, when I know I’m trying my hardest to control everything. I say that I’m trusting in Him that it will all work out and I’ll be happy, but my stress proves otherwise.

So the goal for the next few weeks is to stop trying to be God. Study for exams. Enjoy life and the blessings I’ve been given today. Encourage other people to find joy in the saddest of days (or maybe just the rainy ones.) Spend time with the people I love. Relax.

Because God is here. He always has been, and He always will be.


p.s. Did I pick the right profession? Grey’s Anatomy said it best last week:

"These are tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic; they play pretend. There is fairy dust in their IV bags. They hope, and they cross their fingers and they make wishes, and that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe. In Peds, we have miracles, and magic. In Peds, anything is possible."