Is it worth it?

Yesterday, I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and a day free of obligation and drove myself up to the dunes for a few hours. Back home, the ocean is my favorite place in the world because it invites me to think beyond myself and helps to clear my mind. After this last week, I felt I was in desperate need of some clarity, and Lake Michigan is almost big enough to be called an ocean. (although, I could see the Chicago skyline so easily, it was breathtaking) Plus I can actually wear shorts and a tank top to this beach.

About an hour into it, some relatively old men set up a pretty impressive volleyball court right in front of me. Over the course of the next twenty minutes, and the arrival of a few more slightly crusty old men, I realized that this was a daily thing and I was really the one in the way. After some casual conversation and observation, I left the beach in a feeling of peace and contentment- exactly what I’d been seeking.

I’ve found myself asking one simple question over and over again in the last few weeks, and I feel like it’s one I’ll never stop asking, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I just want to know- is it worth it?

I took my first med-surg test on Monday and walked away with an 80. Normally, that wouldn’t really bother me, but the class average was a 93, and I studied for seven hours for that test. I never score that much lower than the class average, and certainly not when I actually make an effort to study. I knew my grade wasn’t going to be great, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that low. Nursing is hard, and I’m not used to seeing these kinds of results. I know that I chose nursing over English or theology because I wanted to challenge myself, but this just seemed ridiculous. Is it really worth it to sacrifice as much time as I did studying just to see results like that? Will it be worth it to put so much into becoming a nurse?

I have Alex Marque to thank for the answer to this one. I was talking to him before Candlelight on Sunday and he asked me what my major was. I told him and he asked if I knew what my specialty was going to be. Without thinking, I responded “pediatric oncology.” He stopped what he was doing, looked at me, shook my hand and said “thank you. I’ve asked a lot of nursing majors that question, and you’re the only one who has given me that answer.” Alex spent most of his high school years fighting cancer.

After this summer, I’ve been wondering why I was so anxious to get away from home, and wondering whether or not it was a good idea to give up on Oregon so fast. Every once in a while, when I’m feeling extra lonely, or like no one understands me and I’m just an outsider in a foreign land, I wonder why I came to school here. Was it worth it to pick up and move everything?

Props to Mary Elizabeth and President Heckler for this one. As I was giving my first official campus tour to Mary Elizabeth and her mother today, I realized two things. First- I have a lot of friends here and second- they are involved in everything. I found myself constantly greeting people I knew all over campus and can’t remember how many times I said “I have a lot of friends who are involved in this…” but it was probably getting annoying for her. I decided that I really do have tons of people here that I care deeply about, and who care about me as well. Just because they don’t know me the same way or as much as the people at home do, doesn’t mean they don’t matter and haven’t left their own unique fingerprint on my life. When asked what he was most impressed with about Valpo, President Heckler talked about how the campus has an overall feeling of joy, and how we tend to focus more on serving others than on ourselves. He pointed out how many organizations and hours of man power we’ve put into bettering those around us- whether it’s at Hilltop or in Kenya and he hit my heart in doing so. That’s a lot of why I feel at home here, because these people think the same way that I do.

The last one is probably the hardest, and the one without an answer. Is it worth it to fight for something when fighting about it is what bothers me the most? I’m so sick of having this Lutheran-Nonlutheran argument with people, but it’s not something that I feel like I can give up on, regardless of how much easier it would make my life. After working with, and loving on junior high students all summer, I’m reminded of how important it is to them, and everyone else, to feel included. To have a place to belong and feel unconditional love. This is also why I want to be a nurse- to love on those kids with everything I have. It is for this reason alone that I will not sign a Lutheran doctrine. There are other things about it that I struggle with, but those are things I could learn to deal with. Making the children of God feel excluded and foreign in the church is not. Whether you are five or fifty, a murderer or a saint, Jesus loves you just the same. If I’ve been following Christ my whole life, and I feel excluded from the family, I can’t imagine how people outside of the church feel. Maybe it’s easier for them, because they see Jesus, and that’s all they need. I pray that is the case.

But I don’t think it is. I think when my generation looks at the church it sees a dysfunctional family that can’t figure itself out, and certainly isn’t worth sacrificing to become a part of. It frustrates the hell out of me to see churches fighting with each other over what are, in my mind, petty issues. Do I really think God is going to care if I am sprinkled or submerged, drink wine or grape juice, am shepherded by a man or a woman? No, I don’t. I think what matters most is that I am loved. It breaks my heart to think of what the church would be capable of if it stopped arguing and started loving. If it put all of its energy and resources into making the world a better place by dining with tax collectors and prostitutes- lepers and Samaritans. I know it sounds naive of me, but I serve the God of the universe, and need dreams that reflect that.

I also realize that I sound hypocritical because I know that I’m part of that argument. I know that by making a big fuss about not signing the Lutheran doctrine, I’m just adding to the never-ending conflict. I guess I just feel like what I care about matters more than the other stuff. I’m not fighting about petty issues, but people’s hearts and in the end, that’s all that matters to me. So I try not to seek out discussion, but just do what I say I believe. I’m attempting to use my energy to love on others, and letting my stubborn nature take care of the rest. So while I’m not going to sign it, I’m not going to fight with you about it either. I’m just going to love you, and hope that you’ll join me in loving everyone else.

Writing Center Rant...

Most days when I’m working at the Writing Center, I find I want to shoot myself. Some days I really enjoy it, but I’ve learned over time that is rare. We only had three consultants return this fall, so I’m obviously not the only one who dislikes it here.

This is the issue- I’m not trained to work with international students. I’m well aware that I’m going to sound like an asshole in this, and that’s not my intention- but I have a really hard time working with most international students because I rarely understand what they are saying, and have an ethical issue in correcting their entire paper. When a student comes to me with a paper full of improper tenses, never-ending sentences without subjects and plagiarized paragraphs (which are all the more obvious when the font suddenly changes) if I fix all of that for them, they are no longer the writer of that paper. They shouldn’t get credit for the work that I’m doing. So usually I try to focus on the main problems I see, but even that can be a lost cause. Half the time, the student has no idea what I’m talking about when I mention verb tense or subject-verb agreement. I’m not an English tutor- I’m a writing center consultant. They don’t pay me enough to write papers for people.

Proof that I'm a Joiner

Let's see how overcommitted to things I am this semester-

Jobs:
Ambassador in Admission- about 7-8 hours a week.
VOV DVD Coordinator- comes and goes.
Writing Center Consultant- 5 hours a week (at 8.25/hour- it pays to be smart!)

Activities:
Student Nurses Association- President-Elect -2 or 3 meetings a month at an hour each.
Victorious Secret Intramurals- 2 hours a week
Dance Ensemble- 4-5 hours a week, we have to wait and see.
Everwood Night with Philly- 3 hours a week.
College of Nursing Student Academic Fair Practices Subcommittee- I don't know what this is, but I was on it last year and we didn't meet once. I figure it's worth my time :)

I've decided that I feel the most busy because it's the beginning of the year, and because I have a night class this semester which makes my M/W really long. But really, my T/H/F/S/S are pretty empty.

YAYERS!

About two weeks ago, as I was unpacking my stuff and putting it all in the proper places in my new room, I found a journal entry from my freshman year. I was amazed at how confident I was then- how I knew what I wanted and what I was and was not willing to sacrifice to get it all. I found myself wondering where that girl went.

It’s not that I feel I’ve lost confidence, I just think the world is changing on me and I’m not sure how to handle it all. When I was in high school, everything was so black and white for me, and I knew exactly why I was doing what I was doing and how I felt about it. I had all the answers and the faith to stand up for them.

Now life just seems so grey. I suppose that’s what college is for, and my psychology classes tell me that I’m just progressing normally from concrete operations to formal thinking, but I miss that girl that knew who she was. I miss being able to evaluate a situation, to know right from wrong, and have the courage to act accordingly. I don’t feel like I’m growing up- I just feel so much more confused.

But I guess that’s what growing up is- sifting through all of the confusion to find what matters the most in life. I’ve learned a lot of really important lessons in the last two years; lessons that Freshman would have had an opinion about, but it probably wouldn’t have been the right one. That said, I guess I’m just having a hard time convincing myself that I really am a better person than I was two years ago.