I should be studying…

But that’s pretty much the story of my life. Hard to believe that in a few short months I won’t ever have to study again. (probably not true, but at least for a while)

When I was little, I remember “running away” when I got mad or felt like no one cared about me. It usually consisted of going across the street to the park or down to Candace’s house, and I would forget why I left after a while of playing. There was one time, however, that I distinctly remember packing a bag, yelling “I’M RUNNING AWAY FOR-EV-ER” and sitting behind the tree at the end of our driveway, waiting to see if anyone actually cared that I had left. No one came to look for me.

Now, to be fair, I was definitely a drama queen when I was little, so I’m not sure that I would have taken me seriously either- but all I really wanted was to know that someone cared that I was leaving. After a while it started raining, so I wandered back into the house, completely dejected.

This last summer I felt the same way.

I went home because I’d been offered the job of a lifetime (which I LOVED, and wouldn’t have traded for the world, even if it means I’ll have a harder time finding an actual nursing job next year) and I figured my parents wanted to spend time with me. I had decided while in high school that I never wanted to live on my own- my own room, yes, my own apartment or house, never. Coming home to an empty house and knowing it will stay that way is pretty much the most depressing thing ever. I’m not an incredibly social person, and I don’t need to talk through everything I experience with other people, but I love watching tv with people, eating with people and doing absolutely nothing with people. I spent this summer doing all of that with dogs. I spent more nights alone in an empty house than ever before, and could probably count on my ten fingers the number of times I sat down for a “family” dinner.

So when I don’t come back to live there next year, they shouldn’t be surprised. They didn’t care that I was around then, so they shouldn’t now. Will I miss people? Certainly- my extended family out there (friends and coworkers) are absolutely amazing, and if I could live in Portland without having family there, I would. I love Oregon, but it won’t be my “home” again.

This is strange because I was so ready and looking forward to being home last May when school got out. It was what I felt I needed to be who I wanted to be- but I guess that’s a part of growing up. The summer before it felt like home. This year, I felt like a guest in the houses I grew up in. I knew that when I left West Linn 3 years ago, things would never be the same, I guess I just didn’t realize how fast that would change. I remember looking at my siblings and the few friends they had kept in contact with from Oregon and thinking that won’t be me, I love my friends here! and yet over time, relationships fade. It takes work to stay in touch with people- even in the age of facebook and text messaging. College students are busy people, myself included, and staying in contact gets harder and harder the more involved we get.

I want to look forward to going “home” and seeing people. If I lived there, that wouldn’t be the case.