You're my person...

My boyfriend said something to me in an email the other day that made me stop and think. (not that this is particularly rare, it just hit me differently this time.) Two of our friends have started dating and he said it was good because ‘they needed significant others.’ At first this made me really mad. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I don’t NEED a boy to be confident and feel successful and life, and I still think that’s true. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that God didn’t create us to live this life on our own, and that it was probably just my fierce independence that caused me to have the reaction that I did. I think it’s important to note a difference here though. Needing another person because you think you aren’t good enough on your own, or don’t mean anything to anyone is bull shit- I still think that as long as you’re looking to others for your self worth you’re going to go unfulfilled. Needing someone because sometimes life gets overwhelming and you want someone to turn to, however, is healthy and something I seriously struggle with. Always have, and probably to a certain extent always will.

I guess one of the reasons that this is on my mind is that my person is on the other side of the world, and I’ve come to realize just how much I do, in fact, depend on him. I can’t just go to him when I’ve had a bad day or ask for a hug when I need one, and that is something that surprises me. My whole life I’ve been completely independent- at least emotionally. Somehow throughout the last two years, I’ve started to lean on him when life gets overwhelming without even realizing it. It’s not that he understands what I’m going through all of the time, because most of the time he doesn’t- we were raised in much different households. And honestly, I think that’s part of it. I feel like he’s strong enough to support me, and that I’m not letting him down by letting him in. For as long as I can remember I’ve been the tough one, ready to support the people I love when life gives them rotten lemons. Because of that, I refuse be vulnerable, or in my own eyes weak, in front of them. But since Brett has never needed me, I feel like he’s someone I can be vulnerable with, and I’m not sure that I ever thought that would happen.

All of this means that I feel much more alone than I thought I would this semester. It’s not that I don’t have friends- I’ve come to realize just how amazing my friends are- but I also know that I’ve kept them at an arms length and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I haven’t told most people a lot of what is going on in my life and now I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So while I guess being separated from my person for practically 7 months has totally sucked, I am glad that it’s helped me realize just how important he is to me. Hopefully it means I won’t take him for granted anymore.