Be still and know that I AM God.

I love Thursdays in the office because no one else is around. I LOVE the people that I work with, but it’s hard to get much work done when they’re all there. (Wednesday was spent remaking Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” for the sex series that HSM is doing) One of the joys of working at a church, is that since Sunday is a work day, the end of the week tends to be pretty slow and empty, especially in the Swamp.

So I started the day looking at different curriculum for the teaching that I’ll be doing during July, and one of the series is called PAUSE. As I was reading more about it, I realized that it was not only what I wanted to teach on, but also what I, personally, needed to hear.

The first week is called “breathe” and it talks about how in today’s world, we rarely have time to stop and breathe. I feel like for me during this last year that has definitely been the case. Between classes that were kicking my ass, dance, working more than I probably should have been, the addition of SNA and it’s responsibilities, attempting to have a social life and dealing with serious relationship issues- I’m exhausted- completely exhausted.

I feel like this is that abnormal- I’m usually pretty tired by the end of the school year, but this year was much worse than in years past- probably because I stretched myself so thin. Sadly, my responsibilities aren’t really going to decrease for next year, aside from not having to worry about a relationship. I don’t have time to do that all over again anyway.

I think a lot of why I’m so tired at the end of the school year is that I’m not being spiritually fed while I’m there. I know that a lot of this is my own fault, because I should be seeking time spent with God, and making my own personal sanctuaries, but I think part of it is also that I feel so out of place since I’m not a Lutheran. I feel like I’m constantly having to defend what I believe and how I think, and it’s tiring to do that all of the time.

It’s not that I don’t love Valpo because I definitely do- I wouldn’t have wanted to go to school anywhere else. And I very much love my friends there- I certainly feel loved- but there’s just something that’s missing, and I haven’t quite figured out what it is.

So I guess that’s my goal for the summer- figure out some sort of way to manage everything that I’m responsible for and still feel fulfilled and satisfied spiritually. Until then I need to remember to Be still, and know that He is God. It's only when I try to do it all on my own that I seem to be exhausted. I have a lot going on during the summers, but never seem to be as tired, because I do a much better job of remembering that I am most effective and least stressed when I'm not the one in control.

No, not yet.

Chris and Ali got engaged last weekend. I couldn’t be more proud of Christopher James. He’s been dealing with family issues of his own the last two years, and I’m so glad that they haven’t had an effect on how he feels about Ali and their future together.

I don’t feel ready for this stage in life at all. It was weird enough for my sister to get married two years ago, and she was 25 at the time. Now people my very own age are getting married soon, and won’t be considered abnormal for doing so. I’m getting ready for my senior year of college- which means I’m one year away from the real world, and I’m so not ready for it.

I was laying in bed the other night, unable to sleep because of this, and I realized that I feel this way mostly because for as long as I can remember I’ve been looking forward to the future and what it has to offer me. Now that time is here, and I don’t have a plan for it, and I’m not sure that it’s going to be everything I’ve wanted it to be. For so long I’ve been looking forward to being an adult and making my own decisions about my life- independent of anyone else. I’m a year away and terrified. I have no idea what I’m going to do after graduation, or where I want to live, or if I’ll even be happy, or alone, or excited… looking into the unknown scares me, a lot. That’s exactly what is staring back at me- a whole lot of emptiness.