Four years ago, when I found out that I didn’t make May Court, I was really disappointed. It was something I had been looking forward to since I was a wee little girl dancing in the background of the tiki hut at my first May Day celebration. Even though that wasn’t really my “scene” in high school, a very large part of me wanted to experience being on the court- so much so that I had the princess bow perfected by age 10. And then I found out that I didn’t get it, and I was devastated. What made it worse was that a few of the girls were new to West Linn, and didn’t understand the importance of the tradition of it all.
Last week, I found myself in a similar situation. I’d been nominated, along with a lot of my friends, for this Outstanding Leadership and Service Award here at VU and after submitting a pretty impressive resume (or so I thought) and writing a good essay, I really thought I had a legitimate chance of getting it. I figured this was the one award for which I had achieved the goal. I will be the first to admit that I’m not the best student, so my grades aren’t nearly good enough to get me into any honors societies or win any academic awards- but leadership and service? Shit, I’m really good at those things. For the last few years, people have been telling me that I’m crazy for being as involved on campus as I have been, and I saw winning this award as a way of saying “see all of you doubters- it was all worth it.” So when I found out I didn’t get it, I was devastated. What made it worse was that a few of the people who did get it, didn’t seem nearly as involved as I am, and that didn’t seem fair. To make matters worse, these people were my friends who nonchalantly asked me if “I’d won that award thing too” and didn’t want it as much as I did.
The adult response to that question is, “No, I didn’t but I’m really proud of you for getting it. Good job!” I’m twenty-two. I’m supposed to be an adult. Instead, I acted like I was still 18 and pissed that I hadn’t made May Court. I faked a smile and vented to others about how much more I deserved the award and how ridiculous it was that these people would get it and I didn’t. I made bitter side comments and snide remarks. I bitched and moaned and made sure everyone knew that I was the one who deserved to win.
And THAT is what I am most ashamed of. I’m twenty-two. I’m supposed to be an adult. I’d like to believe that I’ve grown up in the last four years- that somehow I’ve become not only wiser, but a better person than the one who first stepped foot on this campus. I didn’t decide to get so involved just so that I could get some stupid award- and I’ve gotten a lot out of each one of my experiences these last few years. And I’ve met a lot of really great people who have taught me some invaluable lessons along the way. Instead of standing by to support them as they get recognized for their contribution to this campus, I acted like a selfish brat.
So Brett, Justin, Courtney and everyone else- Congratulations- you truly deserve this award. Thank you for the sacrifices you’ve made over the last four years to this campus and for all of the time and effort you’ve put into making Valpo a better school. Thank you for the lessons each one of you has taught me... and for those you continue to teach. We have four weeks left… let’s celebrate!
2 comments:
Welp, don't see how I can avoid getting all "big sister" on you, so bear with me.
1- It's not really history repeating itself. Wanting badly to win a service award is very different than wanting badly to win a popularity contest. If you were 22 and vying for an accolade that allowed you to don a tiara, I'd be much more concerned.
2- Was everyone who got the award in a greek organization? It seems to me that they do so many small-scale events that it would be hard to compete with them on paper. Members of those organizations could probably easily list 30 single day events in which they may or may not have actually participated or made an impact, whereas your involvement seems to be in larger scale projects that don't "pile up" in quite the same way. It's pure speculation, but I wonder if the people who discussed it nonchalantly knew they were stretching their qualifications on their applications. When you get an award you aren't sure you really earned, it's hard to feel very proud of it.
3- I just read a really interesting Joan Didion essay called "On Self Respect" about intrinsic vs. extrinsic rewards. I'll email it.
4- You're right-- none of these things are an excuse to 'act like a brat.' The fact that you're able to reflect back on your actions and recognize what you should have done differently indicates that you're not a 'brat,' you just got a little lost in the emotions of the experience... and you'll do better next time.
You have a very wise sister who can say things much better than your Mom. But, we know how hard you worked and how much time you gave to others...at the expense of some of your grades....remember the only one who really matters knows all that you did and your reward will come later. Yes, it is nice to be recognized in the here and now. Liz is right, you did get caught up in it and May Day is very different. Hang in there, you did well to learn from it and apologize to those who did receive the award.
I think that one of the unfortunate changes in society and the "adult world" is the importance of tooing your own horn....didn't used to be that way. You used to get recognition for doing the work and going above and beyond...no longer true...
You know how many kids lives you touched, how you impacted the folk you worked with in the Admissions office and the Writing Center, and everywhere else you worked. You will look back on your college years and be very proud of the work you did and what you got back in learning important life lessons...Love you lots.....
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