Straight from my Theo Final....

4. We have seen this semester how every presentation of Jesus’ story, whether in a written gospel, film, drama, or piece of art, casts Jesus in a recognizable, social role. E.g., Matthew’s Jesus is a teacher or rabbi, Luke’s Jesus is a “benefactor,” Godspell’s Jesus is a clown, and Jesus Christ Superstar’s Jesus is—surprise, surprise!—a pop-culture superstar. If you were to fashion a literary, cinematic, or stage presentation of Jesus’ life for a group of Christians in 2008, what role or persona would you give to Jesus? Why would that be an effective choice for the audience you have in mind? And how would your choice of a role for Jesus affect the way you presented one or two critical scenes in your presentation?


For the last couple of years I’ve had the blessing of working with junior high students. I love these kids, and it breaks my heart to see what they’re going through. The upcoming generation is lonely, unloved and forgotten about. In a time when information is available at the click of a mouse, parents seem to know little about their own children, and perhaps care even less. I’ve spent countless hours listening to middle school girls talk about how much they just want their parents to notice them, and how they are willing to do anything and everything imaginable to make that happen. They deserve more than that. They deserve to know that they are loved, cared for and a part of something great. They aren’t the church of tomorrow, they’re the church of today, and some of the most remarkable, genuine Christians I’ve ever met.
While it may make the most sense to have a contemporary Jesus be the lead in the High School Musical cast, or one of the Jonas Brothers, when it comes down to what matters, it comes down to love. The Jesus that I want these kids to meet is one of compassion, unrequited love and empowerment. I want these kids to know that they are not only loved, but loved by the savior of the world with a love so strong they won’t ever be able to fully understand it. When all they feel is alone, I want them to have a place to turn where they feel like they matter, and are wanted.
This Jesus isn’t found at the movies or on the television set, but in the classroom, on the soccer field, and at home. It’s the teacher, the coach or the babysitter that makes each student feel like they have somewhere to belong, somewhere to go and something worth living for. It’s the person who is always there, speaking truth and love into the lives of those who feel lost. It’s the person that knows that even though it may make their own lives a little more hectic, showing up to that basketball game to cheer that student on will make a world of difference in her heart.
As I’ve said, I don’t follow Jesus because he’s a superstar- I follow him because he was there when no one else was. He’s the reason that Jen listened to me ask why when my parents got divorced in 4th grade, and cry my heart out in 8th grade when I was deserted by all of my friends. He’s the reason I spend hours at Starbucks listening to Kelsey lament about high school and her latest boy problems, and he’s the reason Kelsey devotes extra time each week to make sure that a group of seventh grade girls know that they are loved.
Because when life gets tough and the world seems to be collapsing around them, they won’t turn to Hannah Montana or movies, but to the people that have been there every step of the way, walking them through middle school, and into the scary world of high school.

You're my person...

My boyfriend said something to me in an email the other day that made me stop and think. (not that this is particularly rare, it just hit me differently this time.) Two of our friends have started dating and he said it was good because ‘they needed significant others.’ At first this made me really mad. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I don’t NEED a boy to be confident and feel successful and life, and I still think that’s true. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that God didn’t create us to live this life on our own, and that it was probably just my fierce independence that caused me to have the reaction that I did. I think it’s important to note a difference here though. Needing another person because you think you aren’t good enough on your own, or don’t mean anything to anyone is bull shit- I still think that as long as you’re looking to others for your self worth you’re going to go unfulfilled. Needing someone because sometimes life gets overwhelming and you want someone to turn to, however, is healthy and something I seriously struggle with. Always have, and probably to a certain extent always will.

I guess one of the reasons that this is on my mind is that my person is on the other side of the world, and I’ve come to realize just how much I do, in fact, depend on him. I can’t just go to him when I’ve had a bad day or ask for a hug when I need one, and that is something that surprises me. My whole life I’ve been completely independent- at least emotionally. Somehow throughout the last two years, I’ve started to lean on him when life gets overwhelming without even realizing it. It’s not that he understands what I’m going through all of the time, because most of the time he doesn’t- we were raised in much different households. And honestly, I think that’s part of it. I feel like he’s strong enough to support me, and that I’m not letting him down by letting him in. For as long as I can remember I’ve been the tough one, ready to support the people I love when life gives them rotten lemons. Because of that, I refuse be vulnerable, or in my own eyes weak, in front of them. But since Brett has never needed me, I feel like he’s someone I can be vulnerable with, and I’m not sure that I ever thought that would happen.

All of this means that I feel much more alone than I thought I would this semester. It’s not that I don’t have friends- I’ve come to realize just how amazing my friends are- but I also know that I’ve kept them at an arms length and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I haven’t told most people a lot of what is going on in my life and now I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So while I guess being separated from my person for practically 7 months has totally sucked, I am glad that it’s helped me realize just how important he is to me. Hopefully it means I won’t take him for granted anymore.

Is it worth it?

Yesterday, I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and a day free of obligation and drove myself up to the dunes for a few hours. Back home, the ocean is my favorite place in the world because it invites me to think beyond myself and helps to clear my mind. After this last week, I felt I was in desperate need of some clarity, and Lake Michigan is almost big enough to be called an ocean. (although, I could see the Chicago skyline so easily, it was breathtaking) Plus I can actually wear shorts and a tank top to this beach.

About an hour into it, some relatively old men set up a pretty impressive volleyball court right in front of me. Over the course of the next twenty minutes, and the arrival of a few more slightly crusty old men, I realized that this was a daily thing and I was really the one in the way. After some casual conversation and observation, I left the beach in a feeling of peace and contentment- exactly what I’d been seeking.

I’ve found myself asking one simple question over and over again in the last few weeks, and I feel like it’s one I’ll never stop asking, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I just want to know- is it worth it?

I took my first med-surg test on Monday and walked away with an 80. Normally, that wouldn’t really bother me, but the class average was a 93, and I studied for seven hours for that test. I never score that much lower than the class average, and certainly not when I actually make an effort to study. I knew my grade wasn’t going to be great, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that low. Nursing is hard, and I’m not used to seeing these kinds of results. I know that I chose nursing over English or theology because I wanted to challenge myself, but this just seemed ridiculous. Is it really worth it to sacrifice as much time as I did studying just to see results like that? Will it be worth it to put so much into becoming a nurse?

I have Alex Marque to thank for the answer to this one. I was talking to him before Candlelight on Sunday and he asked me what my major was. I told him and he asked if I knew what my specialty was going to be. Without thinking, I responded “pediatric oncology.” He stopped what he was doing, looked at me, shook my hand and said “thank you. I’ve asked a lot of nursing majors that question, and you’re the only one who has given me that answer.” Alex spent most of his high school years fighting cancer.

After this summer, I’ve been wondering why I was so anxious to get away from home, and wondering whether or not it was a good idea to give up on Oregon so fast. Every once in a while, when I’m feeling extra lonely, or like no one understands me and I’m just an outsider in a foreign land, I wonder why I came to school here. Was it worth it to pick up and move everything?

Props to Mary Elizabeth and President Heckler for this one. As I was giving my first official campus tour to Mary Elizabeth and her mother today, I realized two things. First- I have a lot of friends here and second- they are involved in everything. I found myself constantly greeting people I knew all over campus and can’t remember how many times I said “I have a lot of friends who are involved in this…” but it was probably getting annoying for her. I decided that I really do have tons of people here that I care deeply about, and who care about me as well. Just because they don’t know me the same way or as much as the people at home do, doesn’t mean they don’t matter and haven’t left their own unique fingerprint on my life. When asked what he was most impressed with about Valpo, President Heckler talked about how the campus has an overall feeling of joy, and how we tend to focus more on serving others than on ourselves. He pointed out how many organizations and hours of man power we’ve put into bettering those around us- whether it’s at Hilltop or in Kenya and he hit my heart in doing so. That’s a lot of why I feel at home here, because these people think the same way that I do.

The last one is probably the hardest, and the one without an answer. Is it worth it to fight for something when fighting about it is what bothers me the most? I’m so sick of having this Lutheran-Nonlutheran argument with people, but it’s not something that I feel like I can give up on, regardless of how much easier it would make my life. After working with, and loving on junior high students all summer, I’m reminded of how important it is to them, and everyone else, to feel included. To have a place to belong and feel unconditional love. This is also why I want to be a nurse- to love on those kids with everything I have. It is for this reason alone that I will not sign a Lutheran doctrine. There are other things about it that I struggle with, but those are things I could learn to deal with. Making the children of God feel excluded and foreign in the church is not. Whether you are five or fifty, a murderer or a saint, Jesus loves you just the same. If I’ve been following Christ my whole life, and I feel excluded from the family, I can’t imagine how people outside of the church feel. Maybe it’s easier for them, because they see Jesus, and that’s all they need. I pray that is the case.

But I don’t think it is. I think when my generation looks at the church it sees a dysfunctional family that can’t figure itself out, and certainly isn’t worth sacrificing to become a part of. It frustrates the hell out of me to see churches fighting with each other over what are, in my mind, petty issues. Do I really think God is going to care if I am sprinkled or submerged, drink wine or grape juice, am shepherded by a man or a woman? No, I don’t. I think what matters most is that I am loved. It breaks my heart to think of what the church would be capable of if it stopped arguing and started loving. If it put all of its energy and resources into making the world a better place by dining with tax collectors and prostitutes- lepers and Samaritans. I know it sounds naive of me, but I serve the God of the universe, and need dreams that reflect that.

I also realize that I sound hypocritical because I know that I’m part of that argument. I know that by making a big fuss about not signing the Lutheran doctrine, I’m just adding to the never-ending conflict. I guess I just feel like what I care about matters more than the other stuff. I’m not fighting about petty issues, but people’s hearts and in the end, that’s all that matters to me. So I try not to seek out discussion, but just do what I say I believe. I’m attempting to use my energy to love on others, and letting my stubborn nature take care of the rest. So while I’m not going to sign it, I’m not going to fight with you about it either. I’m just going to love you, and hope that you’ll join me in loving everyone else.

Writing Center Rant...

Most days when I’m working at the Writing Center, I find I want to shoot myself. Some days I really enjoy it, but I’ve learned over time that is rare. We only had three consultants return this fall, so I’m obviously not the only one who dislikes it here.

This is the issue- I’m not trained to work with international students. I’m well aware that I’m going to sound like an asshole in this, and that’s not my intention- but I have a really hard time working with most international students because I rarely understand what they are saying, and have an ethical issue in correcting their entire paper. When a student comes to me with a paper full of improper tenses, never-ending sentences without subjects and plagiarized paragraphs (which are all the more obvious when the font suddenly changes) if I fix all of that for them, they are no longer the writer of that paper. They shouldn’t get credit for the work that I’m doing. So usually I try to focus on the main problems I see, but even that can be a lost cause. Half the time, the student has no idea what I’m talking about when I mention verb tense or subject-verb agreement. I’m not an English tutor- I’m a writing center consultant. They don’t pay me enough to write papers for people.

Proof that I'm a Joiner

Let's see how overcommitted to things I am this semester-

Jobs:
Ambassador in Admission- about 7-8 hours a week.
VOV DVD Coordinator- comes and goes.
Writing Center Consultant- 5 hours a week (at 8.25/hour- it pays to be smart!)

Activities:
Student Nurses Association- President-Elect -2 or 3 meetings a month at an hour each.
Victorious Secret Intramurals- 2 hours a week
Dance Ensemble- 4-5 hours a week, we have to wait and see.
Everwood Night with Philly- 3 hours a week.
College of Nursing Student Academic Fair Practices Subcommittee- I don't know what this is, but I was on it last year and we didn't meet once. I figure it's worth my time :)

I've decided that I feel the most busy because it's the beginning of the year, and because I have a night class this semester which makes my M/W really long. But really, my T/H/F/S/S are pretty empty.

YAYERS!

About two weeks ago, as I was unpacking my stuff and putting it all in the proper places in my new room, I found a journal entry from my freshman year. I was amazed at how confident I was then- how I knew what I wanted and what I was and was not willing to sacrifice to get it all. I found myself wondering where that girl went.

It’s not that I feel I’ve lost confidence, I just think the world is changing on me and I’m not sure how to handle it all. When I was in high school, everything was so black and white for me, and I knew exactly why I was doing what I was doing and how I felt about it. I had all the answers and the faith to stand up for them.

Now life just seems so grey. I suppose that’s what college is for, and my psychology classes tell me that I’m just progressing normally from concrete operations to formal thinking, but I miss that girl that knew who she was. I miss being able to evaluate a situation, to know right from wrong, and have the courage to act accordingly. I don’t feel like I’m growing up- I just feel so much more confused.

But I guess that’s what growing up is- sifting through all of the confusion to find what matters the most in life. I’ve learned a lot of really important lessons in the last two years; lessons that Freshman would have had an opinion about, but it probably wouldn’t have been the right one. That said, I guess I’m just having a hard time convincing myself that I really am a better person than I was two years ago.

A few lessons from the road...

1. Oregon has no bugs.
2. Utah may have some of the best and most unique landscape.
3. When staying in a hotel in Utah, you not only get the Bible, but also the Book of Mormon.
4. Wyoming has a population of about 4 people.
5. Nebraska has big bugs, cheap gas and nice cops.
6. It's easy to get pulled over in flat states.
7. It's easier to get out of a ticket in those flat states if you're from Oregon, or just me :)
8. Iowa = corn, and that is all.
9. Gas can jump 20 cents a gallon in 4 miles.
10. Despite what my father told me, my Mazda 6 gets great gas mileage no matter how fast I'm going.

Junior High Camp- A Little Life Perspective

Every year I look forward to going to Junior High Camp. It's become a retreat for me, and a great reminder of the amazing and awesome work that God can do with a willing group of people. Sometimes during the year, I long for the days of waking up in Lakeside and eating oatmeal for breakfast. The food may be terrible, but it's totally worth it when the rest of camp is considered. There's nothing in the world like the Peak, and I've admittedly become a camp snob for it.

After so many years, I've watched a lot of leaders cycle through camp, and yet they almost always seem to be there for the right reasons, and I'm amazed at how much they love these students, a lot of whom they haven't previously known. This year I got to watch my own girls be leaders and it was so completely humbling. I chose to be a small group leader because I wanted to be able to encourage junior high girls to love Jesus and enjoy church. I felt honored enough when so many of my girls decided to be small group leaders themselves (now that they're old enough) and it was a joy to watch them do their thing at camp. Camp is such a unique experience and provides such an encouraging, instantly genuine community that it's an ideal place to watch the spirit work. I love that we bring our own leaders with us, and most of the time try to match small group leaders with the students they have during the year. I know that there are camps that have a summer staff, and I'm not trying to say that's the wrong way to do it, but this morning at church was a great example of students and leaders interacting in real life. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to find the motivation necessary to pour life and love into students that I'll never see again, and I can understand why working a full summer of camp can be so draining.

This summer was different for me because I'd spent all summer working on it and had invested so much into it. For the first time, I was actually responsible for a lot of the actual camp activities, and I tried my hardest to take my experience as a small group leader into account as I planned games and activities. While in some ways it's more challenging, because I don't get to see directly how God is working, this summer was great because I felt like I finally got to know some of these students, and some of them actually wanted to hang out with me.

Every time I go to camp, I remember that THIS is where my heart is, and this is where my passion is found. I know my place at camp, and I love being a part of a greater goal. It's hard for me to listen to people tell me how great it is that I'm doing this, or how they admire my sacrifices, when in my mind, I'm the one who is blessed to be doing what I am. I should be begging to get to do this.

So then I'm faced with the issue of my future, because I look at my major and see that it has nothing to do with what I love. But then I look at camp more closely, and discover why it is that I really love this. I love being able to take these students away from their everyday lives and struggles. This generation is hurting in ways we've never even thought of and it breaks my heart to hear what they're going through and what they are forced to deal with. The joy of camp is getting to take them away from that and love them with a love that can only come from Christ. That's what I want to do with my career. People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I want to be a pediatric oncology nurse, but I'm so excited for it. Much like the kids at camp, the kids I'll be working with are forced to deal with really shitty life situations and I want to be able to take them away from the pain and suffering, the pity and the misunderstanding and just let them be kids. I want to love them with Christ's love and make their stay at the hospital like a week at camp. My heart longs to see a kid smile through the pain and laugh through the tears. If I can do that, then maybe my life really means something.

I used to hate coming home. I know that hate is a “strong word” but it was never something that I looked forward to, and more often than not something I dreaded. Coming home meant dragging my shit back and forth between houses, feeling left out while hanging with my friends and feeling much more lonely than I ever did at school.

That all changed this summer. For some reason, this summer has made me fall in love with being “home” all over again, and I’m actually willing to call it that again. I’ve always felt that my friends were my real family, and this summer has only proven that to be true. When I chose a school 2200 miles away, I did so without reservation about leaving this place behind. I was looking forward to starting over in a new place, and making my own home. Now, as graduation draws near (I know the next two years will fly by faster than I can imagine) I’m starting to wish I hadn’t made the decision so quickly.

I’ve earnestly enjoyed being here this summer, and it’s not because of my parents. If I could, I would move into my own apartment and get away from the constant arguing about money, time and image, but right now that’s just not an option. Something about this summer, coupled with my last year at school, has made me appreciate being in a place where people know me for who I really am, and I don’t feel like I have to defend myself to anyone. After 13 years here and 2 years away, I finally feel like this is where I belong.

So thank you for that.

I often wish there was a way to show couples filing for divorce exactly what they’re doing to their families, and more importantly, their children. Here I am, twenty years old, and I’m still struggling and dealing with the repercussions of a choice my parents made eleven years ago.
Perhaps the worst part of it all is that I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. So here I am, trying to figure out what I want out of life and love, and I don’t know if I’m doing it right or I’m walking the opposite direction. What doesn’t seem to help is that when I start to freak out about what’s going on in my own relationship, I look to those around me for examples. Yet, no one seems to be in the same boat I am, mostly because my friends aren’t the same as me in a lot of relational ways, if that makes any sense. I’m not looking for a boyfriend whom I’m infatuated with and sucks all of my free time out of me. It’s not that all of my friends are necessarily that way, but for a lot of them, their significant other is their everything, and that’s just not how I am. And I don’t think that’s the case because of the particular relationship that I’m in, I just think that’s how I am in general. In a lot of ways, I’ve been forced to grow up fending for myself, and that independent spirit doesn’t die just because I’ve finally found someone that I can depend on. And I have, and I really appreciate that he’s there when I need him, and we’re both strong enough to have other things going on in life that don’t require the other person, but I guess I just wish I knew what I was doing. Because I don’t, and I feel bad putting his heart at stake while I try to figure out how the hell it all works.

A few classic characters

you will always find
the family in matching camoflauge
and
the guy who waits until the flight attendent tells him the third time to actually turn off his phone
and
the woman who wants to give you advice on life after college
and
the person wearing way too much perfume/cologne
and
the "i'm just going to shove this carry on into the overhead compartment until it fits" guy
and
the young mother hoping for someone nice to sit next to her
and
on flights to/from oregon, someone who hasn't showered/washed their hair/needs a shave.

What's in a name?

I spend a lot of time in airports over the course of the year, and that means I have plenty of opportunities for people watching and evesdropping. So, I figured some of that I need to share with the world.

This is also a place for me to post random thoughts on life, love and Jesus. As well as anything else that crosses my mind.