I often wish there was a way to show couples filing for divorce exactly what they’re doing to their families, and more importantly, their children. Here I am, twenty years old, and I’m still struggling and dealing with the repercussions of a choice my parents made eleven years ago.
Perhaps the worst part of it all is that I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. So here I am, trying to figure out what I want out of life and love, and I don’t know if I’m doing it right or I’m walking the opposite direction. What doesn’t seem to help is that when I start to freak out about what’s going on in my own relationship, I look to those around me for examples. Yet, no one seems to be in the same boat I am, mostly because my friends aren’t the same as me in a lot of relational ways, if that makes any sense. I’m not looking for a boyfriend whom I’m infatuated with and sucks all of my free time out of me. It’s not that all of my friends are necessarily that way, but for a lot of them, their significant other is their everything, and that’s just not how I am. And I don’t think that’s the case because of the particular relationship that I’m in, I just think that’s how I am in general. In a lot of ways, I’ve been forced to grow up fending for myself, and that independent spirit doesn’t die just because I’ve finally found someone that I can depend on. And I have, and I really appreciate that he’s there when I need him, and we’re both strong enough to have other things going on in life that don’t require the other person, but I guess I just wish I knew what I was doing. Because I don’t, and I feel bad putting his heart at stake while I try to figure out how the hell it all works.