I should be studying…

But that’s pretty much the story of my life. Hard to believe that in a few short months I won’t ever have to study again. (probably not true, but at least for a while)

When I was little, I remember “running away” when I got mad or felt like no one cared about me. It usually consisted of going across the street to the park or down to Candace’s house, and I would forget why I left after a while of playing. There was one time, however, that I distinctly remember packing a bag, yelling “I’M RUNNING AWAY FOR-EV-ER” and sitting behind the tree at the end of our driveway, waiting to see if anyone actually cared that I had left. No one came to look for me.

Now, to be fair, I was definitely a drama queen when I was little, so I’m not sure that I would have taken me seriously either- but all I really wanted was to know that someone cared that I was leaving. After a while it started raining, so I wandered back into the house, completely dejected.

This last summer I felt the same way.

I went home because I’d been offered the job of a lifetime (which I LOVED, and wouldn’t have traded for the world, even if it means I’ll have a harder time finding an actual nursing job next year) and I figured my parents wanted to spend time with me. I had decided while in high school that I never wanted to live on my own- my own room, yes, my own apartment or house, never. Coming home to an empty house and knowing it will stay that way is pretty much the most depressing thing ever. I’m not an incredibly social person, and I don’t need to talk through everything I experience with other people, but I love watching tv with people, eating with people and doing absolutely nothing with people. I spent this summer doing all of that with dogs. I spent more nights alone in an empty house than ever before, and could probably count on my ten fingers the number of times I sat down for a “family” dinner.

So when I don’t come back to live there next year, they shouldn’t be surprised. They didn’t care that I was around then, so they shouldn’t now. Will I miss people? Certainly- my extended family out there (friends and coworkers) are absolutely amazing, and if I could live in Portland without having family there, I would. I love Oregon, but it won’t be my “home” again.

This is strange because I was so ready and looking forward to being home last May when school got out. It was what I felt I needed to be who I wanted to be- but I guess that’s a part of growing up. The summer before it felt like home. This year, I felt like a guest in the houses I grew up in. I knew that when I left West Linn 3 years ago, things would never be the same, I guess I just didn’t realize how fast that would change. I remember looking at my siblings and the few friends they had kept in contact with from Oregon and thinking that won’t be me, I love my friends here! and yet over time, relationships fade. It takes work to stay in touch with people- even in the age of facebook and text messaging. College students are busy people, myself included, and staying in contact gets harder and harder the more involved we get.

I want to look forward to going “home” and seeing people. If I lived there, that wouldn’t be the case.

Killing Time on the Clock

Max has learned that it’s unnecessary to get off my bed until my alarm has gone off for the 4th time. I suppose that means I really need to stop hitting the snooze button. I don’t know why I have such a hard time getting up in the mornings, especially since I’m not out late or anything. I suppose part of the problem is that my mind is unable to shut down no matter what time it is. In the last few days, the best way to fall asleep has been to start praying- completely ironic since I’m teaching my junior highers about the importance of being fully present- the ability to fully engage God.

I can hear Bill Towne laughing and it makes me smile. For the first time in years, I’m not ashamed of the direction in which my church is headed. It’s going to be hard, and take some time and dedication, but I believe with all of my heart that Rolling Hills is capable of doing great things in this community in the name of Jesus.

Calling this “home” feels like such an oxymoron to me. I love being in Oregon- surrounded by God’s great creation and a lot of people I love, but at the same time, home doesn’t feel like somewhere I belong anymore. I don’t even look forward to sleeping in my own bed anymore.

I’ve run out of excuses for places to go after graduation. Guess God’s really pushing this whole “Only God knows, and that’s the way I like it” response I keep giving people when they ask.

The bathtub in my bathroom at Dad’s house has the ability to groom the biggest spiders I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I think I’ll name the newest one Peter Parker. I don’t know what they live off of, or how they get as big as they do, but as long as they stay in the bathtub (and I’ve convinced myself that they do) then I’m fine with sharing my house with them. The giant spider crawling across the inside of my mother’s windshield however- not quite as lucky. Quickly pulled over to take care of that one- it was very distracting trying to make sure it didn’t get too close to me, and I didn’t want to ruin my perfect driving record for a stupid spider.

Be still and know that I AM God.

I love Thursdays in the office because no one else is around. I LOVE the people that I work with, but it’s hard to get much work done when they’re all there. (Wednesday was spent remaking Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” for the sex series that HSM is doing) One of the joys of working at a church, is that since Sunday is a work day, the end of the week tends to be pretty slow and empty, especially in the Swamp.

So I started the day looking at different curriculum for the teaching that I’ll be doing during July, and one of the series is called PAUSE. As I was reading more about it, I realized that it was not only what I wanted to teach on, but also what I, personally, needed to hear.

The first week is called “breathe” and it talks about how in today’s world, we rarely have time to stop and breathe. I feel like for me during this last year that has definitely been the case. Between classes that were kicking my ass, dance, working more than I probably should have been, the addition of SNA and it’s responsibilities, attempting to have a social life and dealing with serious relationship issues- I’m exhausted- completely exhausted.

I feel like this is that abnormal- I’m usually pretty tired by the end of the school year, but this year was much worse than in years past- probably because I stretched myself so thin. Sadly, my responsibilities aren’t really going to decrease for next year, aside from not having to worry about a relationship. I don’t have time to do that all over again anyway.

I think a lot of why I’m so tired at the end of the school year is that I’m not being spiritually fed while I’m there. I know that a lot of this is my own fault, because I should be seeking time spent with God, and making my own personal sanctuaries, but I think part of it is also that I feel so out of place since I’m not a Lutheran. I feel like I’m constantly having to defend what I believe and how I think, and it’s tiring to do that all of the time.

It’s not that I don’t love Valpo because I definitely do- I wouldn’t have wanted to go to school anywhere else. And I very much love my friends there- I certainly feel loved- but there’s just something that’s missing, and I haven’t quite figured out what it is.

So I guess that’s my goal for the summer- figure out some sort of way to manage everything that I’m responsible for and still feel fulfilled and satisfied spiritually. Until then I need to remember to Be still, and know that He is God. It's only when I try to do it all on my own that I seem to be exhausted. I have a lot going on during the summers, but never seem to be as tired, because I do a much better job of remembering that I am most effective and least stressed when I'm not the one in control.

No, not yet.

Chris and Ali got engaged last weekend. I couldn’t be more proud of Christopher James. He’s been dealing with family issues of his own the last two years, and I’m so glad that they haven’t had an effect on how he feels about Ali and their future together.

I don’t feel ready for this stage in life at all. It was weird enough for my sister to get married two years ago, and she was 25 at the time. Now people my very own age are getting married soon, and won’t be considered abnormal for doing so. I’m getting ready for my senior year of college- which means I’m one year away from the real world, and I’m so not ready for it.

I was laying in bed the other night, unable to sleep because of this, and I realized that I feel this way mostly because for as long as I can remember I’ve been looking forward to the future and what it has to offer me. Now that time is here, and I don’t have a plan for it, and I’m not sure that it’s going to be everything I’ve wanted it to be. For so long I’ve been looking forward to being an adult and making my own decisions about my life- independent of anyone else. I’m a year away and terrified. I have no idea what I’m going to do after graduation, or where I want to live, or if I’ll even be happy, or alone, or excited… looking into the unknown scares me, a lot. That’s exactly what is staring back at me- a whole lot of emptiness.

Straight from my Theo Final....

4. We have seen this semester how every presentation of Jesus’ story, whether in a written gospel, film, drama, or piece of art, casts Jesus in a recognizable, social role. E.g., Matthew’s Jesus is a teacher or rabbi, Luke’s Jesus is a “benefactor,” Godspell’s Jesus is a clown, and Jesus Christ Superstar’s Jesus is—surprise, surprise!—a pop-culture superstar. If you were to fashion a literary, cinematic, or stage presentation of Jesus’ life for a group of Christians in 2008, what role or persona would you give to Jesus? Why would that be an effective choice for the audience you have in mind? And how would your choice of a role for Jesus affect the way you presented one or two critical scenes in your presentation?


For the last couple of years I’ve had the blessing of working with junior high students. I love these kids, and it breaks my heart to see what they’re going through. The upcoming generation is lonely, unloved and forgotten about. In a time when information is available at the click of a mouse, parents seem to know little about their own children, and perhaps care even less. I’ve spent countless hours listening to middle school girls talk about how much they just want their parents to notice them, and how they are willing to do anything and everything imaginable to make that happen. They deserve more than that. They deserve to know that they are loved, cared for and a part of something great. They aren’t the church of tomorrow, they’re the church of today, and some of the most remarkable, genuine Christians I’ve ever met.
While it may make the most sense to have a contemporary Jesus be the lead in the High School Musical cast, or one of the Jonas Brothers, when it comes down to what matters, it comes down to love. The Jesus that I want these kids to meet is one of compassion, unrequited love and empowerment. I want these kids to know that they are not only loved, but loved by the savior of the world with a love so strong they won’t ever be able to fully understand it. When all they feel is alone, I want them to have a place to turn where they feel like they matter, and are wanted.
This Jesus isn’t found at the movies or on the television set, but in the classroom, on the soccer field, and at home. It’s the teacher, the coach or the babysitter that makes each student feel like they have somewhere to belong, somewhere to go and something worth living for. It’s the person who is always there, speaking truth and love into the lives of those who feel lost. It’s the person that knows that even though it may make their own lives a little more hectic, showing up to that basketball game to cheer that student on will make a world of difference in her heart.
As I’ve said, I don’t follow Jesus because he’s a superstar- I follow him because he was there when no one else was. He’s the reason that Jen listened to me ask why when my parents got divorced in 4th grade, and cry my heart out in 8th grade when I was deserted by all of my friends. He’s the reason I spend hours at Starbucks listening to Kelsey lament about high school and her latest boy problems, and he’s the reason Kelsey devotes extra time each week to make sure that a group of seventh grade girls know that they are loved.
Because when life gets tough and the world seems to be collapsing around them, they won’t turn to Hannah Montana or movies, but to the people that have been there every step of the way, walking them through middle school, and into the scary world of high school.

You're my person...

My boyfriend said something to me in an email the other day that made me stop and think. (not that this is particularly rare, it just hit me differently this time.) Two of our friends have started dating and he said it was good because ‘they needed significant others.’ At first this made me really mad. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I don’t NEED a boy to be confident and feel successful and life, and I still think that’s true. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that God didn’t create us to live this life on our own, and that it was probably just my fierce independence that caused me to have the reaction that I did. I think it’s important to note a difference here though. Needing another person because you think you aren’t good enough on your own, or don’t mean anything to anyone is bull shit- I still think that as long as you’re looking to others for your self worth you’re going to go unfulfilled. Needing someone because sometimes life gets overwhelming and you want someone to turn to, however, is healthy and something I seriously struggle with. Always have, and probably to a certain extent always will.

I guess one of the reasons that this is on my mind is that my person is on the other side of the world, and I’ve come to realize just how much I do, in fact, depend on him. I can’t just go to him when I’ve had a bad day or ask for a hug when I need one, and that is something that surprises me. My whole life I’ve been completely independent- at least emotionally. Somehow throughout the last two years, I’ve started to lean on him when life gets overwhelming without even realizing it. It’s not that he understands what I’m going through all of the time, because most of the time he doesn’t- we were raised in much different households. And honestly, I think that’s part of it. I feel like he’s strong enough to support me, and that I’m not letting him down by letting him in. For as long as I can remember I’ve been the tough one, ready to support the people I love when life gives them rotten lemons. Because of that, I refuse be vulnerable, or in my own eyes weak, in front of them. But since Brett has never needed me, I feel like he’s someone I can be vulnerable with, and I’m not sure that I ever thought that would happen.

All of this means that I feel much more alone than I thought I would this semester. It’s not that I don’t have friends- I’ve come to realize just how amazing my friends are- but I also know that I’ve kept them at an arms length and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I haven’t told most people a lot of what is going on in my life and now I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So while I guess being separated from my person for practically 7 months has totally sucked, I am glad that it’s helped me realize just how important he is to me. Hopefully it means I won’t take him for granted anymore.

Is it worth it?

Yesterday, I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and a day free of obligation and drove myself up to the dunes for a few hours. Back home, the ocean is my favorite place in the world because it invites me to think beyond myself and helps to clear my mind. After this last week, I felt I was in desperate need of some clarity, and Lake Michigan is almost big enough to be called an ocean. (although, I could see the Chicago skyline so easily, it was breathtaking) Plus I can actually wear shorts and a tank top to this beach.

About an hour into it, some relatively old men set up a pretty impressive volleyball court right in front of me. Over the course of the next twenty minutes, and the arrival of a few more slightly crusty old men, I realized that this was a daily thing and I was really the one in the way. After some casual conversation and observation, I left the beach in a feeling of peace and contentment- exactly what I’d been seeking.

I’ve found myself asking one simple question over and over again in the last few weeks, and I feel like it’s one I’ll never stop asking, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I just want to know- is it worth it?

I took my first med-surg test on Monday and walked away with an 80. Normally, that wouldn’t really bother me, but the class average was a 93, and I studied for seven hours for that test. I never score that much lower than the class average, and certainly not when I actually make an effort to study. I knew my grade wasn’t going to be great, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that low. Nursing is hard, and I’m not used to seeing these kinds of results. I know that I chose nursing over English or theology because I wanted to challenge myself, but this just seemed ridiculous. Is it really worth it to sacrifice as much time as I did studying just to see results like that? Will it be worth it to put so much into becoming a nurse?

I have Alex Marque to thank for the answer to this one. I was talking to him before Candlelight on Sunday and he asked me what my major was. I told him and he asked if I knew what my specialty was going to be. Without thinking, I responded “pediatric oncology.” He stopped what he was doing, looked at me, shook my hand and said “thank you. I’ve asked a lot of nursing majors that question, and you’re the only one who has given me that answer.” Alex spent most of his high school years fighting cancer.

After this summer, I’ve been wondering why I was so anxious to get away from home, and wondering whether or not it was a good idea to give up on Oregon so fast. Every once in a while, when I’m feeling extra lonely, or like no one understands me and I’m just an outsider in a foreign land, I wonder why I came to school here. Was it worth it to pick up and move everything?

Props to Mary Elizabeth and President Heckler for this one. As I was giving my first official campus tour to Mary Elizabeth and her mother today, I realized two things. First- I have a lot of friends here and second- they are involved in everything. I found myself constantly greeting people I knew all over campus and can’t remember how many times I said “I have a lot of friends who are involved in this…” but it was probably getting annoying for her. I decided that I really do have tons of people here that I care deeply about, and who care about me as well. Just because they don’t know me the same way or as much as the people at home do, doesn’t mean they don’t matter and haven’t left their own unique fingerprint on my life. When asked what he was most impressed with about Valpo, President Heckler talked about how the campus has an overall feeling of joy, and how we tend to focus more on serving others than on ourselves. He pointed out how many organizations and hours of man power we’ve put into bettering those around us- whether it’s at Hilltop or in Kenya and he hit my heart in doing so. That’s a lot of why I feel at home here, because these people think the same way that I do.

The last one is probably the hardest, and the one without an answer. Is it worth it to fight for something when fighting about it is what bothers me the most? I’m so sick of having this Lutheran-Nonlutheran argument with people, but it’s not something that I feel like I can give up on, regardless of how much easier it would make my life. After working with, and loving on junior high students all summer, I’m reminded of how important it is to them, and everyone else, to feel included. To have a place to belong and feel unconditional love. This is also why I want to be a nurse- to love on those kids with everything I have. It is for this reason alone that I will not sign a Lutheran doctrine. There are other things about it that I struggle with, but those are things I could learn to deal with. Making the children of God feel excluded and foreign in the church is not. Whether you are five or fifty, a murderer or a saint, Jesus loves you just the same. If I’ve been following Christ my whole life, and I feel excluded from the family, I can’t imagine how people outside of the church feel. Maybe it’s easier for them, because they see Jesus, and that’s all they need. I pray that is the case.

But I don’t think it is. I think when my generation looks at the church it sees a dysfunctional family that can’t figure itself out, and certainly isn’t worth sacrificing to become a part of. It frustrates the hell out of me to see churches fighting with each other over what are, in my mind, petty issues. Do I really think God is going to care if I am sprinkled or submerged, drink wine or grape juice, am shepherded by a man or a woman? No, I don’t. I think what matters most is that I am loved. It breaks my heart to think of what the church would be capable of if it stopped arguing and started loving. If it put all of its energy and resources into making the world a better place by dining with tax collectors and prostitutes- lepers and Samaritans. I know it sounds naive of me, but I serve the God of the universe, and need dreams that reflect that.

I also realize that I sound hypocritical because I know that I’m part of that argument. I know that by making a big fuss about not signing the Lutheran doctrine, I’m just adding to the never-ending conflict. I guess I just feel like what I care about matters more than the other stuff. I’m not fighting about petty issues, but people’s hearts and in the end, that’s all that matters to me. So I try not to seek out discussion, but just do what I say I believe. I’m attempting to use my energy to love on others, and letting my stubborn nature take care of the rest. So while I’m not going to sign it, I’m not going to fight with you about it either. I’m just going to love you, and hope that you’ll join me in loving everyone else.