I am terrified of the next eight months.

I don’t know if you’ve met me, but I’m a type A planner- I like to know the details and the risks and rewards of everything before I make decisions. In those ways, I am my father’s daughter. For example, it is November, and I’m already stressing out about finding a job next year. So much is up in the air and I want in cemented down. Now. I want to be able to say “oh yeah, I’ll be moving to _______ to start my job at ____________ hospital on June ______________. They’re paying for my NCLEX review and I got a signing bonus, so I already have an apartment lined up.” I want to be able to know that I can pay my bills and won’t be overwhelmed with a new job, and that I’ll be able to afford flying back to Oregon for weddings to celebrate with my friends and all of that. I want to know that I’ll be working for a hospital that believes in training new nurses to give the best patient care possible, and that in a few years, they’ll be willing to pay for me to go back to school to get my masters.

I want to feel confident that the next semester won’t eat me alive, and I won’t get annihilated by the exit exam. (I would also enjoy being able to register for next semester at some point.) I want to be reaffirmed that I do know what I’m doing and that I’ll be a really good nurse, that I picked the right profession.

But, none of this is the case. I AM terrified, simply because I won’t stop and let go. I say that it’s all in God’s hands, when I know I’m trying my hardest to control everything. I say that I’m trusting in Him that it will all work out and I’ll be happy, but my stress proves otherwise.

So the goal for the next few weeks is to stop trying to be God. Study for exams. Enjoy life and the blessings I’ve been given today. Encourage other people to find joy in the saddest of days (or maybe just the rainy ones.) Spend time with the people I love. Relax.

Because God is here. He always has been, and He always will be.


p.s. Did I pick the right profession? Grey’s Anatomy said it best last week:

"These are tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic; they play pretend. There is fairy dust in their IV bags. They hope, and they cross their fingers and they make wishes, and that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe. In Peds, we have miracles, and magic. In Peds, anything is possible."